Wrestling with God

I’ve had several people request that I blog about “wrestling with God” that I promised in our initial adoption post.  So I finally sat down and decided to write it.  I kind of dreaded it honestly, because I knew it would be hard.  It would humble me.  It would make me uneasy and uncomfortable.  But that’s good.  I like to be comfortable, and I’m learning that God doesn’t like it when I’m comfortable, because then I lose sight of Him.

We have had an interest in adoption ever since we were married.  I had thought about it before I was married.  When I was little I thought it was a really neat thing to do.  I thought that it would be a great alternative to having biological kids.  Then I figured that God would “punish” me for some reason and I would be one of those people that couldn’t have kids and would “have” to adopt if I wanted children.  Nope, not the case at all.  Within 3 months of trying to have kids, we were pregnant.  And then another sweet babe 16 months after the first.  So I definitely know things work and I can definitely have children.

As Grant and I were first married, God began to change our perception of adoption.  We began to grow a desire to adopt children, even if we could have biological children.  We knew that it was a “Christian” thing to do, and there are a lot of kids that need homes.  We knew that we could provide that for a child that is less fortunate.  Then we moved to North Carolina.  And we found a church.  The Summit Church.  Oh, Summit Church how I miss you…  We were stretched and challenged beyond belief.  We grew.  We became uncomfortable.  We saw God work in powerful ways.  He was alive and working in that church.  We were just leaving NC when they were starting a sermon series on adoption, so we left without getting in on much of that.  But that’s what was planted in our minds before we left.  Our perception of adoption was changing.  We realized that it was more than “a good idea to throw around.”  It was a full commitment.  And we thought it was something that we would maybe – probably – do someday.

Then we got to MN and had Eli.  Then Andrew right after.  We knew that we wanted more kids.  We started throwing around the idea of getting pregnant again.  My uterus said “nope, need a break.”  So, a whisper in our hearts started saying, “check into adoption…”. We decided to get ahold of Bethany Christian Services, which is one of the area adoption agencies, and it happened to be that they had an informational meeting coming up.  So we went.  And listened.  And got scared.

How can we do this??

We aren’t good enough parents!

There’s no way we can afford this!

The timing isn’t right!

What if we love that child differently than our biological children?

How do we deal with special needs if he/she has any?

We wrestled with these questions for months.  We wanted to give up the idea because it just didn’t seem feasible.  But that small, still whisper was persistent.  In fact, it became much more clear and turned into what we felt was a direct order.  Jesus states in his word that we are to care for the orphans and the widows.  And we knew this is how God was calling us to do that.  The above questions held us captive in fear.  We wrestled with God continually about what he would have for us, probably secretly hoping that his voice would change.  Our hearts growing for these children at rapid speed as we researched.  And then the more we learned, our hearts started to break.  Our passion for them started growing like wildfire.  And it became clear to us that we were being disobedient to the Lord if we said no.  And by the grace of God, we slowly didn’t WANT to say no.  So we turned it over to the Lord.  We gave it all to him and committed to working through the steps (which we are learning is very involved!) and trusting Him to move us through them if this continues to be His will for our lives.  We have so far to go and so much to learn, but we are trying to embrace it, gain wisdom, and lean on the Lord with patience as he does His work.  We are so excited to welcome home our third child!

We are by NO means experts at this, as we are just starting this process.  But if anyone has any questions regarding adoption, we’d love to try and answer them or point you to someone who can!  Don’t be afraid to ask us anything!

A little update on where we are in the process:  We are still waiting for our background clearances to come through, and then we will be starting the homestudy process.  We have clearances from all states we’ve ever lived in except MN, so we are praying that will come through soon so we can move on!

Sorry, no pictures tonight.  Just a lot of “heart talk.”  I’ll try to get some up soon!

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About truthsofablessedlife

Welcome to my blog! I am first and foremost a loved daughter of the Most High. I am a blessed wife to an awesome man who loves the Jesus above all else. I am also a Momma of 3 wild kiddos, who give each day a blessing in a whole new way. And when I have time I also work as a Nurse Practitioner on a casual basis. Our family has a special passion for family time, adoption, food, and thrifty DIY/home improvement projects and would love to share some of it with you! In fact, I love creating so much I have started my own little Etsy business!
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